So things have started improving for me since that last post, and it hasn’t even been 3 days! I do realise that the struggle is far from over and the self-imposed 4-month probation period still stands but I have to say that a few things have begun looking up. I was literally sighing with relief all day yesterday.
I cannot believe it’s December. Of 2009. Wow the entire year went fast. I’m nearly done with 2009 and I’m glad about that. I was thinking, as I like to do, that I’ve had a really rough time for a long time now and I almost wrote 2008 and 2009 off as the toughest years I have had so far. But upon further reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that the last two years have contained equal amounts of some of the most incredible and miserable moments of my life. I hope I learned something.
I know I’ve been terrible at updating this thing and I’ve come close to stopping altogether so many times because I just couldn’t be bothered to write anything. I was sifting through a shitload of drama and planning and going through all levels of elation and despair and in the intensity, I probably unlocked a few more (sorry I just unlocked a new level in this game I’m playing and I couldn’t resist throwing that in). And I’m really bad at sharing private internal things. I’ve always been more comfortable sorting myself out and figuring out sustainable solutions before talking about it. I’ve been a lot less strict about that lately. Probably because I was suddenly out of my comfort zone and had to do without my regular support network of amazing friends.
This year has found me challenging a lot of my habits, thoughts, values, long-held beliefs and informed conclusions drawn from past experiences. Maybe it was insane leaving a stable, steady job and the feeling of being comfortably settled into life. Maybe it was foolish that I exchanged it all for debt, destitute studentry, a ridiculous amount of rejections, crucial but sometimes numbing settling-into-a-new-life exercises, MANY oh-so-very-many painfully awkward and probably stupidly dangerous situations…I know I know, I’m totally glamming it up. I think I wanted to shake things up because I knew I was stuck somewhere I didn’t really want to be and I was uninspired.
Yes, it’s been a fantastic schizophrenic run so far. I suppose we all have to go through something like that at some point in life. I think it makes me feel like my life is filled with some kind of purpose. Opting out of what would normally be considered a good life and buying into what would normally be dismissed as puff of smoke fantasy. You know, you push yourself to keep going and when you get there – POOF – nothing’s there. Marty challenged this the other day and I was a bit bothered with his devil’s advocate questions.
Anyway while I do think that there is more excitement (and probably more drama) in store for me in the future, I think it’s safe to assume that I have a few “peaceful” months to recover and re-strategise a successful bounce back into life.
This summer is when things will turn around, I can feel it. I know it’s a bit too early to be saying this but BRING ON 2010!